Negotiate Rather than Compete
When two people are not seeing eye to eye, friendly conversations can turn unpleasant in a blink of an eye. Tension builds when viewpoints clash and it's intensified by the emotions associated with thoughts. Both parties involved want to validate their viewpoint but the goal of negotiation is not to be right or to win, it's to find a point of mutual agreement and encourage continued dialogue. Emotions will arise in any discussion, but it's important to recognize them in yourself and others in order to respond appropriately.
Prevent an exhausting battle of the wills
that causes a cycle of conflict.
The way that conflict is handled is dependent on each person’s ability to temper their natural personality with the goal to maintain positive relations (Romans 15:1-2). Set a goal for yourself to negotiate a peaceful resolution rather than to win the right to justify your feelings. Rationalizing your way through a conflict only serves to turn uncomfortable tension into anxiety for everyone involved. Some disagreements clearly need to be resolved by agreeing to disagree, but this doesn't have to be the case for every conflict you face. When involved in a disgreement, the goal is to listen, understand, empathize and speak the truth in love until the truth is either accepted or rejected (not your opinion). If truth is rejected, stop and respond thoughtfully and purposely, but don’t react on feelings. Before you respond, ask yourself:
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Am I offended?
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How aware am I of my own personality style and emotions?
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What assumptions am I making?
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Do I understand the other person’s point from the perspective in which they arrived at it?
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What is the tone of the conversation; is it coming from a defensive attitude; am I getting lost in the emotion?
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How might results have been different if I flexed my personality style? (Revisit Appendix 2I).
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Read more about reducing anxiety in the Subdue Your Soul article in the Still Anxious tab.
How you see things (perception) determines your judgment and resulting ABC’s. Emotions and opinions are driven by perception and expectations (Proverbs 10:12, Wang, Y. (2007)). To avoid a quarrel, sometimes you will need to relinquish your rights to defend yourself. When you are upset, remember to refocus your perspective from being right, maintaining control, or winning approval, to the goal of peacekeeping. Look at a disagreement differently than a non-believer. Challenge yourself to negotiation your position in a way in which you can preserve the relationship without changing your values (Proverbs 19:11, Ephesians 4:3). Be proactive*. When you go into a situation where there is initial disagreement, and your goal is peacekeeping, then you'll be filled with confidence rather than by anxiousness.
Below Quappe & Cantatore (2007) highlight the typical progression that occurs as you allow perception to shape your ability to negotiate:
Negotiating an “our way” solution when there is a disagreement does not mean that you compromise your character or the standards in question, but it does mean that you will need to think of creative ways to resolve the conflict amiably. This changes your forth coming attitude. When you go into an argument with the goal of peacekeeping, your demeanor softens and frees up your neurobiology and chemistry to shift your focus onto God (Isaiah 26:3, 55:9, Matthew 5:9). Decide ahead of time to never put a “stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother” (Romans 13:14, 14:13).
When you value God’s opinion higher than yours or anyone else’s opinion, this security will make a difference in the level of peace you experience, especially when your self-esteem is wounded in a conflict (Romans 8:38-39, 1 Peter 4:8). With a Christian perspective, you can be flexible with your approach to conflict by choosing a mindset of contentment- the attitude of belief that Jesus is more than enough and that He alone meets your needs (Philippians 4:11-13, 19). Contentment and peacekeeping sets your tone - this attitude positions you to engage in a cooperative discussion which frames your mindset for problem-solving rather than winning a conflict. Remember, your security is not built on someone else’s opinion or even on your own self-assessment. Your security is based on God’s opinion of you. Responding to conflict peacefully and with flexibility shows God to others and reinforces to you the positive consequences of applying the Christian approach (Mathew 5:16, Romans 13:14, Hebrews 12:14-15, 1 Peter 2:9). Christian conduct shows that you are no longer a slave to self and useless conflict, but to God and His peace and unity (Romans 6:22, Ephesians 4:3).
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See Appendix 2L for a closer look at how God’s love, as displayed through you, can create a bond of intimacy with God instead of independence.
*Being proactive in a conflict is like putting color into a black and white picture. Your feelings take the original conflict and intensifies it. If you fight the urge to color your picture, you will limit your frustration and be able to stay focused on problem resolution. This is a skill that takes practice! Extending grace and peace in a negotiation or a conflict is one way to show your commitment to Christianity. If you choose not to negotiate, you’ll be frustrated and your faith will be questioned by others.